I'll see you at home...

I have discovered that my greatest source of suffering is the contrast between wanting SO badly for everyone to enjoy this life as much as I do and them choosing (consciously or subconsciously) not to do so. I desire so strongly for everyone to see and feel the wonder, beauty, peace, love, joy, freedom and connection with All that Is. To have a deep sense of trust in the universe and its magnificence. I wish everyone could know that life is as wonderful as we make it. That if we are walking in the dark, we can pull out the flashlight at anytime and find our way back to the the fully lit path. 
I am always so humbled when I think about my "past" life... the one I was living until around age 30. I remember much of my twenties hating life SO much that I begged for my life to be taken... yet I could never do it myself because I had an even stronger desire to stay with my children. I would feel so guilty for leaving them behind, yet I felt guilty for not being able to be with them as much as I wanted and they needed due to having to work all the time as the sole provider, so I was deeply conflicted. 
I stayed in a cynical state of existence for many years, choking on the bitterness towards those in my past who had hurt me. Believing that some guy in the sky was punishing me for breaking his rules even though it was mostly unintentional and I was trying SO HARD to do everything right. I didn't know anyone who had lived through all of MY lifes' circumstances who were still able to be sober and take care of their children and responsibilities as a single parent without any assistance. I was angry. I was resentful and I felt that I could lose what inkling of hope I had left at any moment. Not only had I been abused by those who were supposed to love me, but I abused myself. I cut and I starved, and I binged and even begged my abuser to stay and "love" me, essentially begging for more abuse. I spent many years believing I was a victim of an abuser. A victim to someone else's addiction. A victim to an abusive childhood. A victim to poverty as a single mom. A victim to bosses who used me, knowing that I had no other options. A victim to society's judgment at every turn. A victim to a world that is cold, dark and selfish.



It wasn't until around age 30 that I realized I was only a victim of my own mind. 
I realized that the only person I could change, was me. Eventually, I learned that I couldn't change me without changing my beliefs. And I couldn't change my beliefs unless I was willing to let go of the old and explore the new without fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I might find and fear of what anyone else thought about my exploration. I had to stop believing that life is just this place to live out a slow painful death while a "god" watched from above as I gasped for air all the while expecting me to worship him for how GOOD he is. I had to change my thinking in order to change my life, but more accurately, I had to change my FEELINGS in order to change my life. I get to choose how I feel. ALWAYS. 
Today, I am living a totally different life. A life full of so much good that it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. A life that I wish so badly that others could experience and share in the gratitude and deep peace that is present in knowing that we are not victims of circumstance. Or at least, we don't HAVE to be. So you see, I don't suffer when I see someone I love struggling simply because they're struggling, I suffer simply because they do not know that they don't have to. (And understanding that I too, have control over my own suffering). But in most cases, like my own experience, they cannot hear me even when I tell them so. And they're not always meant to, at least maybe not in this moment. For they have their own journey of the soul and it would be wrong for me to deny them that experience. If I hadn't went through so much darkness in my earlier life, than the light I have today would feel so bland. I would be robbed of being able to recognize just how fucking awesome my life is today! My own evolution has not only taught me but proven to me without a shadow of a doubt that the Universal Laws are at work 24/7 whether we acknowledge and believe in them or not. That we are the creators of our own reality every second of every day. That we came here for expansion and without contrast there would be none. We could not evolve if there was nothing to evolve FROM. That yes, sometimes life is hard and there is pain and suffering, but how we choose to feel and get through those times can be what makes or breaks our spirit.



T'is our own choice what path we choose to take to find our way back home, but know this: No matter what path you DO choose, the All is supporting you every step of the way and you cannot stay focused on your own path if you are busy looking over and judging someone else's. Would you drive your car down the road while looking into the lane next to you and expect it to be a joyous ride, arriving safely at your destination? Of course not. Stay focused on your own path... and even when others try to steal your joy and bring you over to their side of the street as they drive down that dark alley, you don't have to follow them, you don't have to get in their car and begging them to get in yours is likely to cause you to crash. You don't have to lose hope or give up on them. You can simply look over, smile and wave and say.... "I guess your map is different than mine. Good luck! I love you and I'll see you at home."

Even the sun hides behind the clouds sometimes....

Ahhhh.... the Shadow. We meet again.  

Healing from a life full of abuse fucking sucks... straight up. Especially when you realize you subjected yourself to said abuse because at your core, you didn't & still don't love yourself and therefore subconsciously suffered (and continue to suffer) your own punishment for being what you allowed others to create in you. Hurt peo

ple hurt people. By projecting our anger and lack of self worth onto others we only reveal how we feel about ourselves. In order for us to stop hurting others, we have to stop sabotaging ourselves from the pain within. Whether we feel justified in doing so or NOT. Someone has to stop the madness... and no one can stop your madness but YOU.

I'm going to try very hard to respect those who don't respect me, encourage those who mock and make fun of me, speak softly to those that yell at me and unconditionally love those who, (I'm discovering), don't really love me. Maybe then I can repair that part of me that is broken. Maybe then... I will be able to start loving myself for who I really am instead of hating the abusers within me and trying to punish them.

Wish me luck.

Hindsight, Love and Lessons Learned In Parenting...

I became a mom for the first time at the ripe old age of 16, and then had my 2nd son at 18. I strived and struggled for years to NOT be that "stereo typical teenage mom" and worked my butt off providing for my boys the best I could. Their father (my ex-husband whom some of you know) was abusive and in and out of jail so even though I was "married", I was single. I didn't get welfare or child support. I do not come from a wealthy family. I worked my way up in the corporate world and by most people's standards, I was doing "well". My oldest was very athletic and was involved in almost every sport. When I married my now husband and was finally able to quit my career to focus on being a mom to my now youngest, Kreid (6)... I realized that all of those years with my older boys were spent trying to give them every *THING* they needed when I wish I would have just given them ME. I was a single mom for a long time and never really saw an "option" to stay home with them or do anything different than work, work, work! (Plus clean, cook and transport!) I just wanted to mention this for all of you young parents out there... remember what's REALLY important. I'm not saying "don't work or you're a bad mom", I'm just saying remember they need YOU more than they need the name brand clothing, the shoes and the elaborate toys etc. They need love, compassion, understanding and for you to be PRESENT and focused on them, feeding not just their bellies, but their soul. My older boys had a COMPLETELY different upbringing than my youngest and it shows. It's hard for me to not wish I could go back and do it all over again, but I know that everything happens for a reason, so I have no regrets, only lessons learned. 

Much Love.

Stop blaming and take responsibility!

Hurry! Find someone to blame for the evils of this world!! OR...stop blaming "them" and start accepting the joint responsibility that we ALL hold collectively by our consciousness and believing that we can control, punish and use violence against other beings without devastating consequences. LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS WITHOUT NEGATIVE SIDE EFFECTS!!!! Take some and share with others! Stop complaining about the how awful the world is and DO something to change it by CHANGING YOURSELF!!!!

At least it's Friday!

I'm not sure what's going on with me this week.... not sure how to feel.  I just want to isolate. Somehow I have managed to get myself WAY down on the emotional scale to the point of having nightmares and attracting some not so positive experiences into my reality.  Sometimes, I just want to cry but have no idea WHY! I'm really working on allowing myself to feel the emotions and release them.  I'm working my way back up!  Trying to find MY balance in life... with every aspect.  Ready to start anew with new changes next week.

I seem to be getting deeper into the emotional detox as well, which I swear is way harder than anything physical!!  I can tell when I'm getting further into the cellular memory by how I will suddenly remember events that I had long forgotten about and I can actually FEEL how I felt at the time the event occurred and have a RUSH of emotions that are all over the scale! This seems to last about a week and then I move forward.  Now that I'm writing this, I can see clearly that this is exactly what is going on with me this week!  My higher thought right in this moment is... at least it's Friday! ;-)

No Fear!

There is no fear in love. "God" IS love therefore God cannot be fear. Fear is the antithesis of God / Love... so are you seeking "God" through fear based religions (other people's opinion of what God is) or from within yourself which was "created in the image and likeness of your Creator?" The route is much shorter when you realize that you don't have to leave home to find what you're looking for! God cannot fear itself. There is not a Source of good and a separate source of evil. There is One Source (God)... and it's either allowed or resisted. Evil is the resistance of good just as darkness is the resistance of light. To believe that God is (or promotes fear) would be to say that God is also (or promotes) evil... but God cannot BE evil nor fear because God IS LOVE. Consider this as you are told by others that you are not good enough or worthy just as you are, for it is THEIR OWN FEAR (or resistance to Source/God) that prevents them from seeing you through the eyes of your Creator! I am forever grateful for shedding the fear based theologies years ago and walking into a most magnificent relationship with my Higher Self, my Creator and the Universe! HAVE NO FEAR! GOD TRULY DOES LOVE YOU! We are all extensions of God so whatever we do to ourselves or others, we do to God! Think about this as you judge, love, lift up, tear down, bomb, feed, destroy or encourage another. "Whatever you do to the least of these... you do unto me."

Todays thoughts = Tomorrows Reality

Dear Friends,

I just finished reading what is now the best book I've read, "The Sculptor In The Sky" by Teal Scott.  If you're tired of creating your life by default and are ready to embrace life and BE HAPPY then I HIGHLY recommend this book!  I love all of the great LOA teachers like Wayne Dyer, Abraham (Ester) Hicks, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra etc., but Teal just has a way of relating that REALLY grabs me!  I will read it again... and again, I'm sure.  Check it out here:   http://www.thespiritualcatalyst.com/TealScottHome.html

I have decided to have a peaceful, mutually loving relationship with food. I have an extensive unhealthy history in relationship to food and dieting. I don't like labels, so I don't subscribe to 80/10/10, LFRV or RAW, Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, etc., etc., regardless of what eating patterns work best for my body, I will not punish myself for eating "outside" of my chosen paradigm.  I am trying to align with my Higher Self PRIOR to eating ANYTHING in order to make good choices, but at the end of the day, I truly believe that the internal (emotions, self worth, vibrational output via thoughts etc.) is FAR more important than the external (food, exercise etc).  Now don't get me wrong.. I am not advocating eating fast food while being sedentary for good health! I am simply saying that when the internal Self is nourished, loved and healthy... than the external self will follow!  We will default to making better choices because we will raise our vibration to be a match to healthier things... by default!  Less stress!  I am choosing to be joyful and EXPECT GOOD things for myself.  If my physical reality is "negative" than it is due to the thoughts that I have been thinking... so in the great words (and book) of Dr. Wayne Dyer... "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life!"  I am changing my life by my perception of it!  Instead of seeing what I perceive as negative and continuing to give out (and therefore receive) negative I will not judge the physical, because I know it is only a mirror of the NON-physical. I can only continue to think thoughts that create the life I WANT whether I can see it yet or not is irrelevant.  I know that it WILL manifest ... so I can manifest pain, heartache, stress and poor health OR I can manifest abundance, joy, compassion and excellent health!  I choose the latter... how about you?  What are YOU focusing and therefore creating in your reality?  We are what we THINK!  And we're much more powerful than we give ourSelves credit for!  Here's a look at an example of a new daily "to do" list:

*Wake up with a smile and give thanks to our Creator for the free will in how I create my day

*Meditate on what I desire in my experience and review what "is" for lessons that to be learned.  (Daily affirmations may vary depending on what I want to focus on.)

*Show compassion and love for mySelf and others

*Allow Source to flow through me by aligning my thoughts in resonance with my Higher Self led by my trusted emotional compass.

*Focus on what I want to create.... not what is.  Todays thoughts create tomorrows reality!

*Live in the NOW!

Create bliss in every moment! (Notice the sway of the trees, the warm water embrace in a hot bath, the ability to walk, talk, run, laugh.)  Even if a circumstance "appears" to be "bad", look for the good and focus on THAT.  For example:  If you were just told that your friend is going into the hospital with an illness, instead of thinking "Oh my gosh, this is terrible!  What if my friend dies!?!?"  Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with that type of news (sadness, anger etc.) but find the thought that will help you focus on a higher vibration such as: "I am sad/angry that my friend is in the hospital with ABC illness, but I know that this can be the catalyst that brings forth a desire for a great healing and therefore change his/her life forever in a positive way!  I am sending energy of awareness and resolution and praying that he/she aligns with his/her Higher Self and allows a complete healing to occur.  I pray they begin to love themselves fully!" This will benefit both you AND your friend.  Now, I know a lot of people think this is all sugarcoating BS that is a sense of denial of reality... but it's actually the contrary.  Reality is a mirror of what WE have created... not us creating based on reality!  So flip the coin and break the cycle of creating by default.  The law of attraction (reaping and sowing, karma etc.) is at work 24/7 whether we agree, believe, like it or not!  We might as well start using it to our benefit and enjoy life!  This is, after all... why we came here in the first place! ;-)

I will leave you with this quote:

"You can not have a life, you can not lose a life… you are life. It is you who holds the power to decide yourself back onto the path you intended, the path of welcoming and of becoming one with your own personal definition of bliss. 

The power that you hold in life does not lie in what cards you have been dealt in this life, but instead in how you play them. Your life can be a tragedy in spite of every advantage.

Your life can be a triumph in spite of any kind of adversity. Your freedom lies in the fact that it is your choice which way you create your life to be." -Teal Scott