I have discovered that my greatest source of suffering is the contrast between wanting SO badly for everyone to enjoy this life as much as I do and them choosing (consciously or subconsciously) not to do so. I desire so strongly for everyone to see and feel the wonder, beauty, peace, love, joy, freedom and connection with All that Is. To have a deep sense of trust in the universe and its magnificence. I wish everyone could know that life is as wonderful as we make it. That if we are walking in the dark, we can pull out the flashlight at anytime and find our way back to the the fully lit path.
I am always so humbled when I think about my "past" life... the one I was living until around age 30. I remember much of my twenties hating life SO much that I begged for my life to be taken... yet I could never do it myself because I had an even stronger desire to stay with my children. I would feel so guilty for leaving them behind, yet I felt guilty for not being able to be with them as much as I wanted and they needed due to having to work all the time as the sole provider, so I was deeply conflicted.
I stayed in a cynical state of existence for many years, choking on the bitterness towards those in my past who had hurt me. Believing that some guy in the sky was punishing me for breaking his rules even though it was mostly unintentional and I was trying SO HARD to do everything right. I didn't know anyone who had lived through all of MY lifes' circumstances who were still able to be sober and take care of their children and responsibilities as a single parent without any assistance. I was angry. I was resentful and I felt that I could lose what inkling of hope I had left at any moment. Not only had I been abused by those who were supposed to love me, but I abused myself. I cut and I starved, and I binged and even begged my abuser to stay and "love" me, essentially begging for more abuse. I spent many years believing I was a victim of an abuser. A victim to someone else's addiction. A victim to an abusive childhood. A victim to poverty as a single mom. A victim to bosses who used me, knowing that I had no other options. A victim to society's judgment at every turn. A victim to a world that is cold, dark and selfish.
It wasn't until around age 30 that I realized I was only a victim of my own mind.
I realized that the only person I could change, was me. Eventually, I learned that I couldn't change me without changing my beliefs. And I couldn't change my beliefs unless I was willing to let go of the old and explore the new without fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I might find and fear of what anyone else thought about my exploration. I had to stop believing that life is just this place to live out a slow painful death while a "god" watched from above as I gasped for air all the while expecting me to worship him for how GOOD he is. I had to change my thinking in order to change my life, but more accurately, I had to change my FEELINGS in order to change my life. I get to choose how I feel. ALWAYS.
Today, I am living a totally different life. A life full of so much good that it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. A life that I wish so badly that others could experience and share in the gratitude and deep peace that is present in knowing that we are not victims of circumstance. Or at least, we don't HAVE to be. So you see, I don't suffer when I see someone I love struggling simply because they're struggling, I suffer simply because they do not know that they don't have to. (And understanding that I too, have control over my own suffering). But in most cases, like my own experience, they cannot hear me even when I tell them so. And they're not always meant to, at least maybe not in this moment. For they have their own journey of the soul and it would be wrong for me to deny them that experience. If I hadn't went through so much darkness in my earlier life, than the light I have today would feel so bland. I would be robbed of being able to recognize just how fucking awesome my life is today! My own evolution has not only taught me but proven to me without a shadow of a doubt that the Universal Laws are at work 24/7 whether we acknowledge and believe in them or not. That we are the creators of our own reality every second of every day. That we came here for expansion and without contrast there would be none. We could not evolve if there was nothing to evolve FROM. That yes, sometimes life is hard and there is pain and suffering, but how we choose to feel and get through those times can be what makes or breaks our spirit.
T'is our own choice what path we choose to take to find our way back home, but know this: No matter what path you DO choose, the All is supporting you every step of the way and you cannot stay focused on your own path if you are busy looking over and judging someone else's. Would you drive your car down the road while looking into the lane next to you and expect it to be a joyous ride, arriving safely at your destination? Of course not. Stay focused on your own path... and even when others try to steal your joy and bring you over to their side of the street as they drive down that dark alley, you don't have to follow them, you don't have to get in their car and begging them to get in yours is likely to cause you to crash. You don't have to lose hope or give up on them. You can simply look over, smile and wave and say.... "I guess your map is different than mine. Good luck! I love you and I'll see you at home."
