Even the sun hides behind the clouds sometimes....

Ahhhh.... the Shadow. We meet again.  

Healing from a life full of abuse fucking sucks... straight up. Especially when you realize you subjected yourself to said abuse because at your core, you didn't & still don't love yourself and therefore subconsciously suffered (and continue to suffer) your own punishment for being what you allowed others to create in you. Hurt peo

ple hurt people. By projecting our anger and lack of self worth onto others we only reveal how we feel about ourselves. In order for us to stop hurting others, we have to stop sabotaging ourselves from the pain within. Whether we feel justified in doing so or NOT. Someone has to stop the madness... and no one can stop your madness but YOU.

I'm going to try very hard to respect those who don't respect me, encourage those who mock and make fun of me, speak softly to those that yell at me and unconditionally love those who, (I'm discovering), don't really love me. Maybe then I can repair that part of me that is broken. Maybe then... I will be able to start loving myself for who I really am instead of hating the abusers within me and trying to punish them.

Wish me luck.

Hindsight, Love and Lessons Learned In Parenting...

I became a mom for the first time at the ripe old age of 16, and then had my 2nd son at 18. I strived and struggled for years to NOT be that "stereo typical teenage mom" and worked my butt off providing for my boys the best I could. Their father (my ex-husband whom some of you know) was abusive and in and out of jail so even though I was "married", I was single. I didn't get welfare or child support. I do not come from a wealthy family. I worked my way up in the corporate world and by most people's standards, I was doing "well". My oldest was very athletic and was involved in almost every sport. When I married my now husband and was finally able to quit my career to focus on being a mom to my now youngest, Kreid (6)... I realized that all of those years with my older boys were spent trying to give them every *THING* they needed when I wish I would have just given them ME. I was a single mom for a long time and never really saw an "option" to stay home with them or do anything different than work, work, work! (Plus clean, cook and transport!) I just wanted to mention this for all of you young parents out there... remember what's REALLY important. I'm not saying "don't work or you're a bad mom", I'm just saying remember they need YOU more than they need the name brand clothing, the shoes and the elaborate toys etc. They need love, compassion, understanding and for you to be PRESENT and focused on them, feeding not just their bellies, but their soul. My older boys had a COMPLETELY different upbringing than my youngest and it shows. It's hard for me to not wish I could go back and do it all over again, but I know that everything happens for a reason, so I have no regrets, only lessons learned. 

Much Love.

Stop blaming and take responsibility!

Hurry! Find someone to blame for the evils of this world!! OR...stop blaming "them" and start accepting the joint responsibility that we ALL hold collectively by our consciousness and believing that we can control, punish and use violence against other beings without devastating consequences. LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS WITHOUT NEGATIVE SIDE EFFECTS!!!! Take some and share with others! Stop complaining about the how awful the world is and DO something to change it by CHANGING YOURSELF!!!!

At least it's Friday!

I'm not sure what's going on with me this week.... not sure how to feel.  I just want to isolate. Somehow I have managed to get myself WAY down on the emotional scale to the point of having nightmares and attracting some not so positive experiences into my reality.  Sometimes, I just want to cry but have no idea WHY! I'm really working on allowing myself to feel the emotions and release them.  I'm working my way back up!  Trying to find MY balance in life... with every aspect.  Ready to start anew with new changes next week.

I seem to be getting deeper into the emotional detox as well, which I swear is way harder than anything physical!!  I can tell when I'm getting further into the cellular memory by how I will suddenly remember events that I had long forgotten about and I can actually FEEL how I felt at the time the event occurred and have a RUSH of emotions that are all over the scale! This seems to last about a week and then I move forward.  Now that I'm writing this, I can see clearly that this is exactly what is going on with me this week!  My higher thought right in this moment is... at least it's Friday! ;-)

No Fear!

There is no fear in love. "God" IS love therefore God cannot be fear. Fear is the antithesis of God / Love... so are you seeking "God" through fear based religions (other people's opinion of what God is) or from within yourself which was "created in the image and likeness of your Creator?" The route is much shorter when you realize that you don't have to leave home to find what you're looking for! God cannot fear itself. There is not a Source of good and a separate source of evil. There is One Source (God)... and it's either allowed or resisted. Evil is the resistance of good just as darkness is the resistance of light. To believe that God is (or promotes fear) would be to say that God is also (or promotes) evil... but God cannot BE evil nor fear because God IS LOVE. Consider this as you are told by others that you are not good enough or worthy just as you are, for it is THEIR OWN FEAR (or resistance to Source/God) that prevents them from seeing you through the eyes of your Creator! I am forever grateful for shedding the fear based theologies years ago and walking into a most magnificent relationship with my Higher Self, my Creator and the Universe! HAVE NO FEAR! GOD TRULY DOES LOVE YOU! We are all extensions of God so whatever we do to ourselves or others, we do to God! Think about this as you judge, love, lift up, tear down, bomb, feed, destroy or encourage another. "Whatever you do to the least of these... you do unto me."

Todays thoughts = Tomorrows Reality

Dear Friends,

I just finished reading what is now the best book I've read, "The Sculptor In The Sky" by Teal Scott.  If you're tired of creating your life by default and are ready to embrace life and BE HAPPY then I HIGHLY recommend this book!  I love all of the great LOA teachers like Wayne Dyer, Abraham (Ester) Hicks, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra etc., but Teal just has a way of relating that REALLY grabs me!  I will read it again... and again, I'm sure.  Check it out here:   http://www.thespiritualcatalyst.com/TealScottHome.html

I have decided to have a peaceful, mutually loving relationship with food. I have an extensive unhealthy history in relationship to food and dieting. I don't like labels, so I don't subscribe to 80/10/10, LFRV or RAW, Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, etc., etc., regardless of what eating patterns work best for my body, I will not punish myself for eating "outside" of my chosen paradigm.  I am trying to align with my Higher Self PRIOR to eating ANYTHING in order to make good choices, but at the end of the day, I truly believe that the internal (emotions, self worth, vibrational output via thoughts etc.) is FAR more important than the external (food, exercise etc).  Now don't get me wrong.. I am not advocating eating fast food while being sedentary for good health! I am simply saying that when the internal Self is nourished, loved and healthy... than the external self will follow!  We will default to making better choices because we will raise our vibration to be a match to healthier things... by default!  Less stress!  I am choosing to be joyful and EXPECT GOOD things for myself.  If my physical reality is "negative" than it is due to the thoughts that I have been thinking... so in the great words (and book) of Dr. Wayne Dyer... "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life!"  I am changing my life by my perception of it!  Instead of seeing what I perceive as negative and continuing to give out (and therefore receive) negative I will not judge the physical, because I know it is only a mirror of the NON-physical. I can only continue to think thoughts that create the life I WANT whether I can see it yet or not is irrelevant.  I know that it WILL manifest ... so I can manifest pain, heartache, stress and poor health OR I can manifest abundance, joy, compassion and excellent health!  I choose the latter... how about you?  What are YOU focusing and therefore creating in your reality?  We are what we THINK!  And we're much more powerful than we give ourSelves credit for!  Here's a look at an example of a new daily "to do" list:

*Wake up with a smile and give thanks to our Creator for the free will in how I create my day

*Meditate on what I desire in my experience and review what "is" for lessons that to be learned.  (Daily affirmations may vary depending on what I want to focus on.)

*Show compassion and love for mySelf and others

*Allow Source to flow through me by aligning my thoughts in resonance with my Higher Self led by my trusted emotional compass.

*Focus on what I want to create.... not what is.  Todays thoughts create tomorrows reality!

*Live in the NOW!

Create bliss in every moment! (Notice the sway of the trees, the warm water embrace in a hot bath, the ability to walk, talk, run, laugh.)  Even if a circumstance "appears" to be "bad", look for the good and focus on THAT.  For example:  If you were just told that your friend is going into the hospital with an illness, instead of thinking "Oh my gosh, this is terrible!  What if my friend dies!?!?"  Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with that type of news (sadness, anger etc.) but find the thought that will help you focus on a higher vibration such as: "I am sad/angry that my friend is in the hospital with ABC illness, but I know that this can be the catalyst that brings forth a desire for a great healing and therefore change his/her life forever in a positive way!  I am sending energy of awareness and resolution and praying that he/she aligns with his/her Higher Self and allows a complete healing to occur.  I pray they begin to love themselves fully!" This will benefit both you AND your friend.  Now, I know a lot of people think this is all sugarcoating BS that is a sense of denial of reality... but it's actually the contrary.  Reality is a mirror of what WE have created... not us creating based on reality!  So flip the coin and break the cycle of creating by default.  The law of attraction (reaping and sowing, karma etc.) is at work 24/7 whether we agree, believe, like it or not!  We might as well start using it to our benefit and enjoy life!  This is, after all... why we came here in the first place! ;-)

I will leave you with this quote:

"You can not have a life, you can not lose a life… you are life. It is you who holds the power to decide yourself back onto the path you intended, the path of welcoming and of becoming one with your own personal definition of bliss. 

The power that you hold in life does not lie in what cards you have been dealt in this life, but instead in how you play them. Your life can be a tragedy in spite of every advantage.

Your life can be a triumph in spite of any kind of adversity. Your freedom lies in the fact that it is your choice which way you create your life to be." -Teal Scott

Emotional Detox is no bueno....

I've been going through another spiritual growth spurt/shift and doing a lot of work on detoxing both physically, for some health related issues, and emotionally from earlier life trauma. Let me just say that this is no walk in the park! The physical part (juicing, transitioning into a higher raw food diet, meditating regularly, being more active and loving on the sun) is fun, easy and intuitive for me... but the emotional negative energy stuff, yeah... not so much. If you look into my past blogs you'll notice one ( http://kristie711.blogspot.com/2009/09/there-are-two-things-person-should.html ) where I clearly have struggled with anger, even though I'm a very loving, highly sensitive person. This stems from both childhood events, genetics (being passed down from my mother) and from an abusive ex-husband, along with the occasional Joe Blow who found solace in making fun of me on the playgroung because I was "fat". I know it is important to "release these inner demons" and come to terms with my shadow. By acknowledging these feelings... letting them flow freely out of me (while my poor husband sits on the bed listening, wondering what to do) and making peace with them, I am able to finally let go and find forgiveness. Forgiveness for my mother who was only doing the best that SHE knew how to do with HER circumstances because after all, it WAS somewhat better than HER upbringing. I love you mama. I forgive you and I appreciate all of the good things you instilled in me. Forgiveness for my ex-husband, because I know that he is so sick with addiction to meth, that he is unable to make healthy decisions or really comprehend the effect he had on me all those years. He is sitting in prison for the up'teenth time at the age of 38yrs old and will be lucky to physically make it another 10yrs. His body is exhausted and it shows... his mental capacity is diminished to that of a 5th grader on most days. I actually feel sorrow for him at this point. He is so far removed from his spirit and I know his soul must be ready to return home just for a moment of inner peace. Kevin, I forgive you. I hope you find peace and rest soon. Now that I have forgiven them... the hardest part, but likely the most important is forgiving MYSELF. For all of the times I didn't follow my intuition... for raising children in the midst of the abuse and such a negative environment that was enough to send ANYONE to an insane asylum. Forgiving myself for staying in it for so long trying to "do the right thing" and for having good intentions but not doing what, deep down, I knew to be right. For passing some of this same "sickness" on to my children for them to have to battle and overcome. For giving my mother and my ex-husband the power over me to make me feel so angry, fearful and inadequate. Self, I forgive you. I love you and cherish you and I commit to taking better care of you, nurturing you physically, spiritually and emotionally. I know I will have days that I struggle, but I also know that by removing these deep seeded emotions one by one as they arise, I will only free mySelf even more and will continue to reconnect with my inner power, my Highest Self, creating the life that I deserve. Today I choose to live life authentically. I will not judge mySelf or others. I will love and be loved! I will be kind to mySelf and others. I will think, speak and be Love, Joy and Peace. Thank you Creator for giving me the choice in how to experience this life! By understanding that you gave ME the control of my own destiny, I cannot blame you for any "bad" choices I make or things that happen in my life. I understand that it is NOT your will for me to do or be.... anything that I don't want to be or do! I thank you that I have complete freedom in how I co-create my life with you! This gives me a deeper desire to live this life as freely, joyfully and healthfully as possible while helping others to do the same. I was blind... but now I see.