What station is this???

I hear songs in my head almost simultaneously.....

"I see trees of green... red roses too..."
"And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world...." (Louis Armstrong)

"It's the end of the world as we know it... " (REM)

"Jesus loves me this I know...." (anyone)

"and now ya do what they told ya.... (now you're under control) and now ya do what they TOLD ya!!" (repeat over and over) (RATM)

"Here's to you Mrs. Robinson... Jesus loves you more than you will know... Oh, Oh, Oh" (Caroline Spine Version)

"some say the end is near, some say we'll see Armageddon soon... I certainly hope we will.... I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit..." ( TOOL)

"You're my world... the shelter from the rain.... in this world where nothing else is true, here I am still tangled up in you" (STAIND)

"Despite the lies that you're making, your love is Mine for the taking... My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses.... I will be the one that's gonna hold you, I will be the one that you run to, My love is a burning consuming fire! No, you'll never be alone, when darkness comes I'll light the night with stars, hear the whispers in the dark." (SKILLET)

I could go on forever.... my life is a soundtrack to all the evil and chaos wrapped in love that we call "world." I think I may have "Spiritual ADD"... I go from feeling elated like I can change the world, earnestly seeking truth and trying honestly to apply it to my life... to sobbing so hysterically all over my couch that there's a snot line from one cushion to the other because of the evil we never hear about...... like children being used as sex slaves as young as the age of 3, people being tortured because other people "get bored..." while we're out shopping and playing house people are suffering and dying, and yes I know, there's nothing new under the son ....but I become speechless to my Creator and my knees show signs of unvaccumed carpet with embedded Pringle crumbs and for that time I feel so pathetic to have EVER complained about ANYTHING in my ENTIRE life that I don't even deserve to speak. All I can do is cry.... and know that He knows my thoughts.... and tell Him that He better "take" these people before they physically die because otherwise I can make NO sense out of such torture... and yes, to answer that question in the back of your mind, I DO feel the same way about the crucifixtion of Christ.... whether you or I believe Him to be Messiah, Savior or NOT... for ANYONE to suffer such pain is against everything I believe to be Gods will..... and just so you know I believe He felt every bit of it..... and I still can't swallow that. Some days I feel very "big"... ready to live out my mission of love and hope and spread it to the world..... others days I feel like been chewed up and spit out by a religious machine and I get so pissed off at the darkness and evil that I just WANT OUT. I don't want to believe it's happening... I don't want to hear about it.... I don't want to pray about it... hell, I don't even WANT to believe in a God that would "allow" it!!!!!! But then.... I know I need to step away from the maddness (eg. TV, computer, books) find my "quiet" place (even if it's only for a minute while I shower) go back to the Source of my being and be still.... and KNOW that He is not only God, but good.... and not only good, but LOVE... and love NEVER fails... So I try again.

Peace in, Peace out.

Ending endless.....

sometimes i wonder if it will ever end
i get dizzy in the swirls of darkness and light
is there anyway out of this cage?

your gripping fear, masked control to own me....
i seek serenity, after all of this i still stand
can i go now?

isolating, i find myself in the closet of my mind...
still running from you, can i cut you out
relief, please find me here.

courage to change, wisdom to know
strength to see me through....
i have to go, a voice is calling
death find the part of me that is you.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”

Why am I so angry? and who exactly am I angry with?? This has been eating at me for awhile now..... For 13yrs I was married/divorced/reconciled to an addict who seemed to believe that abuse in any form was "fun".... it made him feel bigger and better on the outside because nothing existed inside.... unfortunately, this did quite a bit of damage to myself and 2 oldest sons. For years I thought I was the problem, had very low self-esteem, if any... and literally thought I was going crazy.... funny how they can turn EVERYTHING around on YOU even when you're doing everything right and make you BELIEVE that you are the problem. I guess where I'm going with this, is I have healed from MOST of the damage.... ( so I thought...) but still have a long way to go and can't seem to understand my anger. I rarely think of him, and when I do it's because he's brought up in conversation with my boys or he's going back in or getting back out of jail and I'm trying to make sure I and they are protected.... but I don't sit on the pity pot and think " oh poor me, why did I have to go through all of that... blah..blah..blah..." I'm not even angry over what he did to me.... I am however furious over the damage it did to my boys... and then I struggle with WHO am I more angry with??? Him for doing it??? or ME for being stupid enough to think it wouldn't happen again the 10th, 15th and 20th time...... and am I really angry? or am I just so USED to being in darkness and feeling that tug of bitterness and resentment in my gut that it became "part" of me??? like my own addiction??? Why is it that I can see myself in 3rd person and know EXACTLY what I'm doing wrong, know EXACTLY what I NEED to do to make it right but yet I can't seem to put into action or the words necessary for healing to take place here? My husband should not have to suffer for the choices in my past nor what anyone else has done to me... and if I expect my children to live in happiness and deal with anger appropriately as oppossed to the way their father does, how can I myself expect them to do this if I don't know how to do it myself? I can willingly allow and even ask God to come into the darkest areas of my spirit and do His work within me and find forgiveness and cleansing..... but for some reason I distance myself from asking or allowing Him to help me with my anger, why is that? Sometimes I think, "Oh, I'll get it.... I don't need to bother God with it.... I just need a little more time..." and other times I think I'm just so angry and stubborn that I isolate myself from everyone INCLUDING my Creator who knows me best!! I can tell that something in me is broken.... and it HAS to be fixed or I inflict damage on others which I do NOT have the right to do. I'm working on releasing my sense of "entitlement" and feeling as though I have "rights" to anything! The only "right" I've truely been given is to LOVE with His love and see the world through His eyes.... I know that only He is able to repair the kind of damage that has been done and I have to have a willing spirit to accomplish this through Him.... Ok God, I'm finished making excuses.....let's do this.