It's been a little while since I've blogged. I've been taking an extended break from social media in order to reground myself and focus on some major life changes going on this last couple of months. Normally I would share my personal experience in hopes of helping someone going through the same thing, but much of it is just too personal and sacred to share. This last couple of months have been well, . . . deeply painful and wretched.
Embracing more of my shadow and welcoming it into the light is not an easy transition. The shadow is not always so willing to join my spirit in the dance of life as lived in joyful abundance. Recently I realized I was hanging onto relationships that were toxic to me and ultimately to my family as a whole. Ending relationships, particularly familial ones, is very challenging. I did much soul searching and shadow work before making a final decision, but realized it is a decision I have been putting off for many years and I knew long ago what needed to be done, it is only by "obligation" to societal standards that I didn't end it when I should have. I ended one relationship which gave way to transforming another. Oh, sweet alchemy!
Once I ended this toxic relationship, within 2 weeks I became very ill. It was brutal. I have never been so sick in all of my life and spent the first 24 hrs feeling hijacked by my body as experienced it rid itself of major toxicity. Chronic vomiting left me dehydrated and exhausted at a level I have never felt before. I thought I was dying. After a few days of recovery, I realized that I had. The old had washed away and I had become new. I was reborn. Resurrected. I recognized the deep symbolism between the physical and metaphysical that was occurring in my experience and after a lot of rest and fluids, I felt so good and much gratitude for it all.
I am so deeply in awe of the All that it often leaves me speechless. As I sit here in my apartment, I hear the breeze blowing the trees just outside my window, the birds chirping, the maintenance men running a saw, the wind chimes hanging on my patio made of seashells and I cannot help but feel so blessed. I could easily shift my focus onto all that is seemingly going "wrong" in my life at the moment, but who wants to create more of that? Focus is everything. It's not sticking our head in the sand being Pollyanna and pretending that things aren't really happening; It's using our focus INTENTIONALLY. We have a choice.
I am so grateful to have the freedom to choose my focus and to do so with clear intention, knowing that what I choose to focus on in my experience is what I will continue to see. Both good and bad. And when I can go further and stop judging these experiences as one or the other and know that it is ALL part of a greater good. . . a higher purpose. . . the evolution of the whole. . . than suffering loses all of its power and essentially ceases to exist. We get to choose. And having the freedom to choose our thoughts, which is the root of all judgments and feelings, is where the true freedom lies. What if we exercised our freedom and chose not to think at all? That's taking it even a step further and where meditation is often touted as a panacea of all! To stop thought means we go from doing to Being. To tap into the great "I AM" that is within and through out us all. To be the observer, not attaching ourselves to anything.... sights, sounds, feelings... To just BE with what is. This is living in the NOW.
This reminds me of a great quote by one of my favorite teachers. So, I will say Namaste and leave you with this. . .
"Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen Spirituality is just to peel the potatoes." - Alan Watts
