“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”

Why am I so angry? and who exactly am I angry with?? This has been eating at me for awhile now..... For 13yrs I was married/divorced/reconciled to an addict who seemed to believe that abuse in any form was "fun".... it made him feel bigger and better on the outside because nothing existed inside.... unfortunately, this did quite a bit of damage to myself and 2 oldest sons. For years I thought I was the problem, had very low self-esteem, if any... and literally thought I was going crazy.... funny how they can turn EVERYTHING around on YOU even when you're doing everything right and make you BELIEVE that you are the problem. I guess where I'm going with this, is I have healed from MOST of the damage.... ( so I thought...) but still have a long way to go and can't seem to understand my anger. I rarely think of him, and when I do it's because he's brought up in conversation with my boys or he's going back in or getting back out of jail and I'm trying to make sure I and they are protected.... but I don't sit on the pity pot and think " oh poor me, why did I have to go through all of that... blah..blah..blah..." I'm not even angry over what he did to me.... I am however furious over the damage it did to my boys... and then I struggle with WHO am I more angry with??? Him for doing it??? or ME for being stupid enough to think it wouldn't happen again the 10th, 15th and 20th time...... and am I really angry? or am I just so USED to being in darkness and feeling that tug of bitterness and resentment in my gut that it became "part" of me??? like my own addiction??? Why is it that I can see myself in 3rd person and know EXACTLY what I'm doing wrong, know EXACTLY what I NEED to do to make it right but yet I can't seem to put into action or the words necessary for healing to take place here? My husband should not have to suffer for the choices in my past nor what anyone else has done to me... and if I expect my children to live in happiness and deal with anger appropriately as oppossed to the way their father does, how can I myself expect them to do this if I don't know how to do it myself? I can willingly allow and even ask God to come into the darkest areas of my spirit and do His work within me and find forgiveness and cleansing..... but for some reason I distance myself from asking or allowing Him to help me with my anger, why is that? Sometimes I think, "Oh, I'll get it.... I don't need to bother God with it.... I just need a little more time..." and other times I think I'm just so angry and stubborn that I isolate myself from everyone INCLUDING my Creator who knows me best!! I can tell that something in me is broken.... and it HAS to be fixed or I inflict damage on others which I do NOT have the right to do. I'm working on releasing my sense of "entitlement" and feeling as though I have "rights" to anything! The only "right" I've truely been given is to LOVE with His love and see the world through His eyes.... I know that only He is able to repair the kind of damage that has been done and I have to have a willing spirit to accomplish this through Him.... Ok God, I'm finished making excuses.....let's do this.